Written last: 23 August 2014
I do not know how to make out of the events that has transpired in my life. While I catch a glance from my friends' facebook posts and sometimes catch up with them for a quick gab and reminisce the old times.
We all know Facebook posts is just a glimpse of our lives. Maybe 10%, 5%? But it doesn't represent the entirety of our/friend's lives?
I'm not going to lie if I tell you this, I feel envious at times because of how things are doing well for my Facebook friends. I'm aware that it's just a 5% glimpse of their lives, I also think that maybe they're genuinely happy and it's not entirely all for show. I see where this post is going, please bear with me as I write these down.
It has been a while since I have written anything on a journal, I don't think I feel safe knowing that he would accept and acknowledge my feelings respectfully.
Marriage so far
Marriage is portrayed in the movies as something magical and romantic of some sort. I admit the latter can be true to a lot who tied the knot especially when a couple share the same vision and depth of feelings in the beginning of their relationship.
As for me...well. It was a great relationship when it started until we got married. (I won't go to that yet, or perhaps I'll never will.)
Life happened too early for us. Things were moving fast and I, at the thrill of being in a serious relationship wanted to push things forward further. We got married too soon.
Remember when our Mom, Grandparents or Aunts or Uncles tell us to get to know our beloved one, right?
It's true. Down to the last period of the sentence. Get. To. Know. Him/Her. First. For my case, it is.
[Too long to write it down here...]
Life happened, we both became older, I began to change.
I no longer watch the same things we do together. I no longer like to do the things we used to do. I no longer play video games as a commitment to wean myself of my video game addiction. I went "cold turkey" on this one. There's no other way of doing it.
While he is still the same old guy I married many years ago and I understand that it is an addiction, I have these thoughts of the days wasted away because he would rather spend it in front of his PC, shout at his kids whenever he is bothered. He only interacts or go out with them whenever he feels like it. His attention to me or to the kids is only selective or whenever it is only because he feels like it and never because he has the space in his heart to accomodate us.
We've never really shared anything intimate in terms of having that very deep emotional connection. We'd only talk about casual things like Doctor Who, movies, science and other things but nothing sort of deeper than that.
He gets very upset when I share something emotional or cuts me off whenever he feels I am in the wrong when it fact, all I wanted is someone to speak with.
I realised, in the pit of my stomach, that we didn't build up a strong foundation in a relationship: friendship. We weren't very close friends to begin with. We didn't really talk about our future, how things will go, what if I change and all that? There were no plans, no talks like that.
We hardly knew each other. His family and mine are so different. His (and him) are very confrontational people, shocking for me to say the least.
So I got myself in this marriage where neither of us share the same vision and belief. I think these are very important things to consider before tying the knot.
Discussions like:
And I WAS so naive at the time. These weren't discussed. We took it one day at a time and there were no discussion. Blame it on pressure, blame it on me wanting to tie the knot already---nah. We had a choice Both of us did have a choice to do, or not to get married!
Several years on, I'm still here, I've stretched myself too far. Made excuses for his behavior. Believed he will change.
There are days where it was so bad. Some days that are good that only takes a few hours and then it becomes so bad again.
I find myself stuck in a situation similar to being sentenced to 15 years - 20 years in prison! Funny how I describe it as such, because it is what it is. It's how I see my life with him. A life in a prison cell.
I do not know how to make out of the events that has transpired in my life. While I catch a glance from my friends' facebook posts and sometimes catch up with them for a quick gab and reminisce the old times.
We all know Facebook posts is just a glimpse of our lives. Maybe 10%, 5%? But it doesn't represent the entirety of our/friend's lives?
I'm not going to lie if I tell you this, I feel envious at times because of how things are doing well for my Facebook friends. I'm aware that it's just a 5% glimpse of their lives, I also think that maybe they're genuinely happy and it's not entirely all for show. I see where this post is going, please bear with me as I write these down.
It has been a while since I have written anything on a journal, I don't think I feel safe knowing that he would accept and acknowledge my feelings respectfully.
Marriage so far
Marriage is portrayed in the movies as something magical and romantic of some sort. I admit the latter can be true to a lot who tied the knot especially when a couple share the same vision and depth of feelings in the beginning of their relationship.
As for me...well. It was a great relationship when it started until we got married. (I won't go to that yet, or perhaps I'll never will.)
Life happened too early for us. Things were moving fast and I, at the thrill of being in a serious relationship wanted to push things forward further. We got married too soon.
Remember when our Mom, Grandparents or Aunts or Uncles tell us to get to know our beloved one, right?
It's true. Down to the last period of the sentence. Get. To. Know. Him/Her. First. For my case, it is.
[Too long to write it down here...]
Life happened, we both became older, I began to change.
I no longer watch the same things we do together. I no longer like to do the things we used to do. I no longer play video games as a commitment to wean myself of my video game addiction. I went "cold turkey" on this one. There's no other way of doing it.
While he is still the same old guy I married many years ago and I understand that it is an addiction, I have these thoughts of the days wasted away because he would rather spend it in front of his PC, shout at his kids whenever he is bothered. He only interacts or go out with them whenever he feels like it. His attention to me or to the kids is only selective or whenever it is only because he feels like it and never because he has the space in his heart to accomodate us.
We've never really shared anything intimate in terms of having that very deep emotional connection. We'd only talk about casual things like Doctor Who, movies, science and other things but nothing sort of deeper than that.
He gets very upset when I share something emotional or cuts me off whenever he feels I am in the wrong when it fact, all I wanted is someone to speak with.
I realised, in the pit of my stomach, that we didn't build up a strong foundation in a relationship: friendship. We weren't very close friends to begin with. We didn't really talk about our future, how things will go, what if I change and all that? There were no plans, no talks like that.
We hardly knew each other. His family and mine are so different. His (and him) are very confrontational people, shocking for me to say the least.
So I got myself in this marriage where neither of us share the same vision and belief. I think these are very important things to consider before tying the knot.
Discussions like:
- Money/Budgeting
- Religion/Belief
- Raising kids
- How to spend the holidays
- Boundaries
- What is okay to share with your family and what is not okay to disclose to them
And I WAS so naive at the time. These weren't discussed. We took it one day at a time and there were no discussion. Blame it on pressure, blame it on me wanting to tie the knot already---nah. We had a choice Both of us did have a choice to do, or not to get married!
Several years on, I'm still here, I've stretched myself too far. Made excuses for his behavior. Believed he will change.
There are days where it was so bad. Some days that are good that only takes a few hours and then it becomes so bad again.
I find myself stuck in a situation similar to being sentenced to 15 years - 20 years in prison! Funny how I describe it as such, because it is what it is. It's how I see my life with him. A life in a prison cell.
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